


penance

by terraven



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: CSA, L isnt good with people, PTSD, Rape, Violence, child molestation, graphic depiction of rape, light is traumatized, please be careful dont read this if itll trigger you, this is really self indulgent its all about my personal trauma sorry, this is seriously all over the place i hate this, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 15:03:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12707349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terraven/pseuds/terraven
Summary: In a way, it feels like the greatest form of payback.





	penance

**Author's Note:**

> this is graphic. it is completely venting. i know its a bit ooc (trust me, i know) but i. needed to project. im sorry for this. find me on tumblr @yagvmi

Heavy breaths. Calloused hands. The room is humid. Light's pants end up halfway across the room. Small, smooth legs spread, strained so high above his head it hurts. He lets out a small squeak and the person above him shushes him harshly, legs even higher now, spread so far apart his thighs strain. Broad hips, broader than a seven year olds shoulders, find their way between his legs. The rough feeling of pubic hair against Light's young privates makes him cringe, shying away from the touch. The rough, large hand brings his face back to look at the perpetrator, eyes burning into Light's. Tears begin to well up, and a few spill over on to his round cheeks.

The man likes this. He moans, licking at the tears as he breaches Light. The young boy cries, clinging to the man's shoulders, so as to ground himself. The movement starts, blood mixing with spit to ease the pathway into a body broken too soon. As it ends, Light's body responds in a way that makes him choke back vomit. He is left on the bed while his teacher bathes, then sends him on his way with brand new boxers and scars.

 

He is 10 years old when a story breaks. He is 10 years old when a few boys and girls came forward about their tennis coach. He is 10 years old when they press teachers, coaches, parents. He is 10 years old when the man disappears. He is 10 years old when his father gently asks if anything happened. He is 10 years old when his mother asks if he needs to talk. He is 10 years old when he tells them no, everything is fine. He is 10 years old when he tells them no, he was a good coach, and never touched him. He is 10 years old when he lies so well he begins to believe it. He is 10 years old when the man is found innocent, because these children simply mixed up regular affection and inappropriate touching. He is 10 years old when the man reappears at the same elementary school.

 

He is 13 years old when Sayu comes home, saying that her new tennis club sponsor is a creepy guy. He is 13 years old when Sayu asks how he knows her tennis club sponsor? Because he keeps calling her Light. He is 13 years old when Sayu comes home and says she doesn't want to be in tennis club anymore. He is 13 years old when Sayu asks Light what it means for an older man to touch her breasts. He is 13 years old when he finds out the man has transferred schools. He is 13 years old when Sayu changes schools at Light's demands. He is 13 years old when he stops wearing long sleeves, because his arms make him feel too exposed; and short sleeves are unbecoming of someone who'd made so many mistakes.

 

He is 15 years old when he walks straight into a teacher. He is 15 years old when the teacher smiles at him and asks how he's been. He is 15 years old when he decides not to tell his parents. He is 15 years old when he gains new scars on his arms. He is 15 years old when the flashbacks start again. He is 15 years old when the teacher won't stop calling on him. He is 15 years old when he goes back to his principal and changes his mind, that yes, he would like specifically educational classes and he would like to forgo all clubs and extracurriculars except for student council. He is 15 years old when he smiles at the teacher. He is 15 years old when his father asks him if everything is okay. He is 15 years old when he once more, becomes passive.

He is 17 years old when the Death Note chooses him. He is 17 years old when he vomits. He is 17 years old when his favourite white coat gets crumpled into the corner, his skin burning against the hot water. He is 17 years old when Ryuk asks him why he put so much work into this name. He is 17 years old when he writes the third name in the Death Note. He is 17 years old when he hears his dad say, “Remember Mr. Sato? Your mother said he died this morning.” He is 17 years old when he feigns surprise. He is 17 years old when he says, “That's too bad. He was such a good teacher.” He is 17 years old when Sayu asks him what they're talking about. He is 17 years old when he answers, “Nothing.”

 

He is 18 years old while he is working with Ryuuzaki, having been 'cleared' (Ryuuzaki has his reservations) of all suspicions. He is 7 years old when Ryuuzaki pokes at him while they go over names, producing a years old article. He is 10 years old when Ryuuzaki asks him if he heard about this? It was in Light's elementary school, after all. He is 13 years old when Ryuuzaki cocks an eyebrow, asks if he was Light's teacher at all? He is 15 years old when he answers in the negative, immediately turning back to his computer. He is focusing on Reiji Namikawa's financials, eyes dead ahead at the screen, controlling his shaking on the inside. He is 17 years old when he remembers how he felt when he heard the news, a pleasant surprise on a Sunday morning. He is 18 years old when Ryuuzaki says something to the tune of, “What a filthy animal. Taking advantage of children like that...I'd like him to rot in a cell.”

 

He is 18 years old when Ryuuzaki brings it up again. They are on opposite ends of a couch, Ryuuzaki reading case reports, Light thumbing through victim profiles. Every so often Light's arm jerks lightly backwards as Ryuuzaki puts a jelly bean in his mouth, then relaxes as he licks his fingers. It is a calm, hardly tense atmosphere. He is 18 years old when Ryuuzaki asks, “Why do you only wear long sleeves, Light?”

Light looks up from the victim profiles to find Ryuuzaki staring at him rather intensely. “That's a weird question,” he says, leaving it there in hopes that the older man will drop it. When it becomes clear he won't, the teenager continues. “Uh, I dunno. I like them. I think they make my arms look nice. I can't be a little vain?”

“I thought you were always vain.” Ryuuzaki shoots back, another jelly bean examined, then popped into his mouth. That irritates Light, furrowing his brows together. “We've been handcuffed together for a month now. It's odd...” he drops a case file, and moves on to the next one. Light vaguely wonders what it is he's looking at. “...that I've only seen you wear short sleeves while playing tennis.” 

“Kind of ridiculous to wear long sleeves while playing sports. It gets hot awfully fast, you know.”

“You wear long sleeves all summer.” He catches Light's eye once more. “Are you perhaps, self conscious?” 

“No offense, Ryuuzaki, but I don't think that's any of your business.” The victim profile goes down on Light's lap, frustration now at the forefront of his mind. “Why are you so adamant on knowing? You wear the same shirt and jeans practically every day. Why do you always wear long sleeves?”

Ryuuzaki takes the jelly bean dish off of his knee and places it on the glass coffee table in the lounge of the room they're staying in. The case reports get placed next to the dish, carelessly spreading across the smooth surface. Ryuuzaki leans forward into Light's personal space, making the younger male press his back against the arm of the couch. “Ryuuzaki—” he spits out, his face moving backward. Ryuuzaki's knees brush against Light's, and the detective begins to roll up his sleeves.

His skin is pale, but his arms are lightly muscled. He presses them forward, into Light's vision. He turns his arms, and Light sees a single defensive wound on the man's forearm. Questions run through his head as his roommate says, “I show you mine, you show me yours.” 

The idea of being exposed makes Light begin to sweat. He pulls his knee to his chest, then lodges his foot into Ryuuzaki's stomach. He is pushed backwards, and Light shoots up off the couch, causing the taller man to fall to the floor. He begins to walk toward their room, Ryuuzaki struggling to find his footing and yank the chain hard enough to make Light stumble. The brunette shoots him a glare, his brown eyes narrowing. Ryuuzaki recognizes the look as similar to the way Light looked at him before he went into that room, before they became chained together. It's a look he hasn't seen in over two months.

“You can't demand I _undress_ for you, Ryuuzaki,” Light bites, yanking the chain as well, but with less success. The taller man doesn't even move. “And I won't be subjected to such interrogation. Haven't I had that enough?”

“Tell me about Gamou Elementary.” Ryuuzaki says, moving closer to Light.

“I won't. Nothing happened there. I went to Gamou, and my parents transferred me to Daikoku Primary when they decided I was a genius.”

“But Gamou was an elite school as well. And then you went to Gamou Prep, where Ippei Sato transferred to teach.” Without thinking, Light reared back and hit him.

His fist connected with Ryuuzaki's cheek with a sickening crunch. Before he could fall backwards, Ryuuzaki grabbed hold of Light's wrist, and pulled him forward to Ryuuzaki's chest. The teenager collided, hard, and attempted to wretch himself away. The detective's grip was tight, so Light pulled his knee up and shoved into Ryuuzaki's family jewels. He coughed, doubling over, but refused to let go of Light. 

“Let _go_ of me, Ryuuzaki!” Light butted his head against the other's jaw, but he moved his head backwards and then pressed Light down into the couch. He raised his knee and pressed it to the latter's stomach, keeping Light's wrists in his hands. “Let _go_!” A grown man's weight on his stomach made it hard for him to breathe; he gasped for air, throwing his head side-to-side. 

“Light, have you ever talked to someone about this?” He wanted to cover his ears, he didn't want to hear it. “Does your father know? Did the school know about you?”

“Nothing _happened_!” he's desperate. He's never been desperate before in his life. Please let this end.

“Talk to me, Light. Let me see your arms.”

“Why are you so weird?! They're just arms!”

“Then let me see.” he moves Light's wrists to be held by only one hand, and grabs the edge of his sleeve. He gets to the edge of a pale bump, ragged, at the base of his wrist bone, before Light bites him.

He sinks his teeth into Ryuuzaki's hand, hard, and he rips it backward. Light shoves him, pulling himself up and not stopping for even a second before making a beeline for the bathroom. Ryuuzaki is pulling on the chain, trying to make him stay, and failing; Light is too determined. The teenager reaches the bathroom and shuts the door, leading the chain under it and then turning the lock.

On the other side, Ryuuzaki is silent. Light presses his back to the door before sliding down it, sitting against the wood. He breathes deeply, counting backwards from 10, trying to relax himself and steady his airflow. He does not pull his legs to his chest, he does not begin to cry. He simply stares at the white tile, Ryuuzaki's words hammering around his skull. 

 

Three hours pass before Ryuuzaki says, “There is no shame in something like that.”

“Nothing _happened_ ,” Light answers. Ryuuzaki is silent, and he thinks he's going to stop the conversation. Instead, he says something that makes Light's blood boil.

“You're a bad liar, Light Yagami.”

 

When Light comes out of the bathroom, Ryuuzaki seems surprised. It has been five hours since he slammed the door. Light's eyes no longer had that sharp, cold edge they had before he became confined. Their round, young brightness had come back, but the anger stayed.

“Why do you think he did something to me.” he asks, fists clenched.

“Because I was following him through a kiddie porn ring for two years,” he answered, standing to meet Light's gaze. However, the detective that had his hard drive messed up the chain of custody—the judge had it thrown out. That's what convinced the jury he was innocent.”

“That doesn't tell me why you're so convinced I was one of them.”

He gives Light a look like he doesn't want to continue. He pushes his hands in his pockets, his signature stance taking form. “There were pictures on the hard drive, Light.”

 

He is 18 years old when he finds out there were pictures. He is 18 years old when he swallows the disgust. He is 18 years old when the man he has such a complicated relationship with informs him that the images were only seen be him, the finding detective, and the judge. He is 18 years old when he takes a deep breath and states, “I'm fine.” He is 18 years old when Ryuuzaki asks him if he'd like to talk about it at all, that he's not phenomenal with people, but he can listen. He is 18 years old when he lays in bed, Ryuuzaki beside him wide awake, hypersensitive of the older man's weight. He is 18 years old when he mumbles, “Ryuuzaki, could you please get out of the bed.” He is 18 years old when he lies awake all night, unable to stop the feeling of his elementary school tennis coach's hands on him.

 

When he gets his memories back, when Ryuuzaki's dead, when he's _Kira_ again, he is starkly reminded of the encounter as he's throwing away the chain. The feeling of **filth** comes rushing back, and he drops it suddenly, spooking Matsuda who is across the room. He asks Light if everything okay, who smiles and says, “Everything's fine. I was just thinking of the time we spent together.” Matsuda rubs his arms and gives his condolences for what's probably the millionth time, telling Light he knows how close they were. He thanks the cop and turns back to pick up the chain, eyeing it like it's the one who forced memories of his grade school years back up. Eventually, he tosses it in the trash where it belongs; just like Ryuuzaki and those memories. In a way, it feels like the greatest form of payback.


End file.
